I am an Idol

I am an idol.

I am not better than you or just like you, no… I am an idol.  Without fans, I would be nothing. I watch you standing in front of the stage, I take my time to look at everyone’s face. Even when we don’t have time, even when I have to go back to the choreography, even when the performance is already over. I stay longer than everyone else, I take every smile with me because you are the reason I am able to stand on this stage. I try to remember every face, wonder if I will see it again because that is the least I can do. I see thousands of people every day including crew, management, and other artists, but my fans earn the most attention before everyone else.  I try to hear every voice and to react to it because it’s the least I can do. The hope that you would stay, even if I can’t give you that much, decreases more and more. I try to give my best to share my attention. I need you, without you, I am not able to stand on this stage. Because of that, I keep hoping, even if I am anxious, that you will be there next time.

I am one idol of many idols.  If I make one mistake, you could leave… to a younger one… a more handsome one… a more talented one. Because of that, I train every day and every night.  I am on my phone to check my fans’ SNS accounts, to see if I am still good enough for you. I don’t sleep much, and often I forgot to eat, because I always need to be there so you don’t forget about me. I try to give my best because you are more important to me than anything else. I hope I please you, but I also hope I can make you happy with my singing, with my music. I hope I have an impact in your life, that I bring some happiness.  This is the present I can give to you because I am thankful for you. I hope I can make your life at least a little brighter, even if I will never know about it, that you are alright is the most important thing.  My music is just for you.

I know that we are probably very similar. We both work, earn our money and we both will fall into bed exhausted in the evening, every day in your life. The difference is that only I get praised so much for my work, even though you probably deserve it in the same way. Because of that I always try to tell you what it means to me that you take your time to support us after coming home from a long day at work. I post updates and say thank you.  While doing that I have to keep in mind that I don’t favor anyone above the others because it can hurt somebody. I’m so thankful for the all the positive comments.  I would lie if I didn’t say that this helped me through a day more than once, that it gave me strength no matter how tired and exhausted I was.

Because of that attention, we hear so many good things.  But I am also afraid that I will make a mistake. Everyone looks at me, one wrong word, one wrong move, one letter that I couldn’t take, one moment I didn’t see one fan… the press will know, the fans will know. They will be disappointed, and they are right to be… I did wrong and I am not allowed to do wrong. If I make a mistake, you will go.  If I don’t notice you, you will soon leave.  If I don’t put in my all, another one will take my place. Sometimes I wish that I was an average person: Going out and nobody cares if I drink just a little too much, calling in sick even though I not sick but exhausted, meeting up with friends without being asked “Who is that?“ and  “What are you doing?“  On the other hand, I knew it would be like this when I chose this way for myself. But I chose this because I love music and I want to share it with the hope that it will make people happy as much as it makes me happy.

We are similar.  No, we are the same kind.  We are humans and I try my best each and every time to show that on the stage.  I give my time to you because you gifted me your precious time. When we meet, maybe we speak and I try, even though we are strangers, to see you as a friend.  I listen to you and I also tell you about myself.  Maybe it’s crazy that two strangers can be this close, but in some way it isn’t. We know each other, don’t we?  You follow my career and probably know more about me than some of my friends.  I read your letters, I listen to you, as best as I can, but honestly I don’t know much about you. I can only hope that you are doing good, that you are healthy, that you are happy. I can only hope that I can bring you happiness and that you will gift me your time further on. When I say I love my fans, I mean it. Because I want them to be happy, I want them to be healthy. I love each and every one and I love you.

Because you are a fan…and that is everything to me

Note:
This text is actually inspired on another text that explains the struggle of a fan being one in a million. I chose to turn this perspective around and try to think what the idol must see. It’s based on the personal observations I made and read about of my favorite group B1A4. It’s based on what they do and what they say…their praises and also their worries. It might be hard to be an unheard fan, but it is also hard to give your whole live away to live to make your fans happy.

(Written by Sue BANA and posted with permission)

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